This Isn’t Resistance. It’s Grief.

It’s been a heavy season of loss.

Last year, I lost both of my parents. I lost an uncle who meant the world to me. I’ve

watched friends bury young adults—lives gone far too soon. And I’ve held my own

children through the loss of their father.

Loss like that changes you.

Not all at once—but in layers.

Some of it comes with relief—like with my mom, who lived with dementia for over six

years. There was peace in her release. But even relief carries weight.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Loss doesn’t show up clean.

And it doesn’t move on just because we think it should.

What We Miss About Loss

We love the idea that loss creates space for something new. That once something is

gone, we can step forward, rebuild, move on.

But that skips a critical step:

Processing what was lost.

Unprocessed loss doesn’t disappear.

It lingers. It leaks. It shows up in ways we don’t always recognize.

In our personal lives, that looks like:

• Emotional swings we can’t explain

• Irritability or withdrawal

• Feeling “off” without knowing why

In organizations, it shows up differently—but it’s the same root issue.

We just call it something else.

What Leaders Call “Resistance”

In the organizations I work with, I hear it all the time:

“Our team is resisting change.”

“People just won’t buy in.”

“They’re stuck in the past.”

“We’ve communicated everything—why aren’t they moving forward?”

But when you slow it down and really look…

Most of the time, it’s not resistance.

It’s grief.

Example 1: The System Change No One Wanted

A company rolls out a new CRM system. It’s faster, more efficient, better data, better

reporting—the leadership team is excited.

But the employees?

They’re frustrated. Slower. Making mistakes. Complaining. Dragging their feet.

Leadership labels it resistance.

But here’s what’s actually happening:They lost mastery (they used to be experts in the old system)

• They lost efficiency (what took seconds now takes minutes)

• They lost confidence (they don’t feel competent anymore)

• They lost identity (the “go-to person” is now learning like everyone else)

No one stopped to acknowledge that.

No one said: “This is a loss.”

So instead of processing it, the organization pushes harder:

• More training

• More pressure

• More urgency

And the “resistance” gets worse.

Because grief that isn’t processed… gets louder.

Why This Matters for Leaders

When we mislabel grief as resistance, we respond the wrong way.

We push harder.

We communicate more.

We try to “convince” people.

But you can’t logic someone out of loss.

You have to create space for it. You have to give them a roadmap to acceptance in their

grief, and no one’s journey is the same.

What It Looks Like to Lead Through Loss

This doesn’t mean slowing everything down or turning every change initiative into a

“kum-bah-yah” session.

It means acknowledging reality and humanity.

It can be as simple as:

• “We’re asking you to let go of something you were good at.”

• “There’s loss in this transition, even if the future is better.”

• “It makes sense that this feels hard.”

That kind of acknowledgment does something powerful:

It gives people permission to process and be human.

And when people process and feel seen, they move.

The Step We Skip: Grief

When I revisited Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work on grief, one thing stood out to me:

The stages—denial, bargaining, sadness, anger, acceptance—don’t follow a straight

line.

They come in waves.

And when we skip one, it doesn’t disappear.

It resurfaces.

In organizations, that looks like:

• Cynicism

• Passive resistance

• Blame

• Burnout

Not because people are trying to be difficult. Because something hasn’t been

processed. Something has been left out.

My Own Learning in This

This past year showed me something I didn’t want to see: I wasn’t processing anger.

I could feel it, but I didn’t know how to move it.

And when you don’t process a stage of grief, it doesn’t give you a pass.

It just waits.

And shows up later and much louder.

I watched my dad get stuck in denial during my mom’s decline. Brilliant, devoted, deeply

committed—and still stuck.

What I learned is this:

Getting stuck doesn’t reduce pain. It multiplies it.

A Better Question for Leaders

Instead of asking:

“Why are they resisting?”

Try asking:

“What are they losing?”

Because every change—no matter how positive—requires letting go of something.

And people don’t resist change.

They resist unprocessed loss.

Final Thought

Grief doesn’t stay at home.

It walks into your meetings.

It shows up in your strategy sessions.

It sits quietly in your team dynamics.

And if you don’t acknowledge it…

It will lead anyway.

The leaders who create real movement aren’t the ones who push the hardest.

They’re the ones who understand this:

You don’t move forward by ignoring loss.

You move forward by processing it.