Perception Is Reality - But Experience Is the Real Teacher

“Perception is reality” is one of those phrases leaders hear often- usually as a reminder

that there are things we can’t control beyond our intent, motivation, or effort.

But here’s how I prefer to frame it with leaders:

What really matters is how others experience you.

Intent lives inside us.

Experience happens between us.

And that gap—the space between intention and impact—is where leadership either

builds trust or quietly erodes it.

For example:

• My independence can be experienced as cold or unwelcoming.

• My quick problem-solving can unintentionally remove autonomy or contribution

from others.

• My connection-making can land as invasive or feel like an inquisition.

None of these are bad traits. In fact, they’re strengths. But strengths, when applied without awareness, can create friction.

The issue isn’t impure intent, it’s unexamined impact.

So how do we purify our intent?

By becoming deeply curious about how others experience us.

A simple but powerful practice is to start with your strengths:

1. Make a list of your core strengths.

2. Map how those strengths serve you and others at work.

3. Then—and this is the harder part—explore how those same strengths might limit,

overwhelm, or silence you or others in certain situations.

This isn’t about self-criticism. It’s about context.

Strong leaders don’t mold themselves endlessly to others’ perceptions—that would be

exhausting and inauthentic. Instead, they learn when and how to apply their strengths

intentionally.

Feedback is essential here. Not feedback to defend against, but feedback to learn from.

Ask people who know you well:

• When does this strength help?

• When does it get in the way?

• What do you experience from me in those moments?

And when the feedback comes, don’t get defensive, instead get curious.

Formal tools like a 360-degree assessment can help add clarity when patterns are

hard to see on your own. But often, the richest insights come from trusted colleagues

and direct reports who experience you regularly.

Leadership isn’t about dimming your strengths. It’s about knowing when to lead with them—and when to temper them.

Because the most effective leaders don’t just know who they are. They know how they land.